Thursday, September 4, 2008

Things I Hate #1

A new and negative semi-regular installment. Can you feel the excitement? No?

In many ways, blogging is very cathartic. It gives me the opportunity to dump my mind about things I love, find interesting or funny, hate, and enjoy eating. Like that one time that I ate one of those candy Valentine hearts with the message "I dump you."

Today I decided that I want to dedicate "Things I Hate #1" to one of the greatest injustices to the human race ever invented - the non-functioning elevator close button. There are some elevator close buttons that when you press them, the elevator doors magically react and close, and the elevator is kind enough to expediently take you to your desired destination. There are other elevator close buttons, however, that are worse than one million hellfires.

Here I am, a regular guy in a hurry, trying to get up to the 18th floor for a meeting. There it is, the button that could make this all possible. I press the button, and press it again and again and again, and absolutely nothing happens. Why? Because the elevator close button in this elevator was never intended to make the elevator close. It is the promise of a time-saver which only makes me look stupid while I repeatedly press the button with clearly no reaction from the doors. Then, when it is time for me to go back to the first floor, I get into the elevator after my meeting, hit the elevator door close button again and again and again, and of course, no response. Since it is lunchtime, the elevator stops on every floor, people get on, hit the elevator close button, and wait looking foolish as the Otis Elevator gods laugh at them from their perch at the top of the great golden escalator (escalators and elevators were created from the same larger subset of movement-device gods).

Is it possible that there is only one template for elevator button creation and that this template always includes an elevator close button, even if this button is not actually wired to close the elevator? What is the possible benefit of not including a functional elevator close button in an elevator? If this button works at the Holiday Inn in Backwater, South Carolina, can it be that hard to wire the button to freaking work everywhere else in the world? If you're not going to give me the option, don't even include the button.

"We sell Big Macs, but only to not anyone." Screw you, Otis Elevator.

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