Sunday, July 26, 2009

Kwame, You Animal. You Incredibly Sexy Animal

Saturday morning, the metro Detroit area was informed of another, completely new and entirely unexpected to outsiders, scandal regarding the city of Detroit and its deposed mayor, Mr. Sexy Himself - Kwame Kilpatrick.

Over the past weeks, news has been trickling out from the federal government about how far behind the Detroit Police Department is on a whole slew of reforms. I didn’t really know what they were talking about or what kind of reforms the department was not enacting, but I assumed it had something to do with shifting focus away from NOT putting criminals in jail, to YES putting criminals in jail. I don’t know a whole lot about policing, but this point of view made quite a bit of sense to me.

Saturday morning, I received a little more information about my prior confusion and a new piece of news creating even more exciting and possibly sexy confusion. According to The Free Press, “The Detroit Police Department has been under federal oversight since 2003, when the city signed two agreements to avert a lawsuit with the Justice Department’s civil rights division over questionable shootings of civilians, illegal dragnet arrests and inhumane treatment of prisoners. The department has fulfilled less than 40% of the reforms.” So this helped me to understand why the feds were focusing and reporting on Detroit being far behind in police reforms. Apparently, the feds have been in charge of trying to make the reforms happen. On Friday, a woman by the name of Sheryl Robinson Wood, the person appointed by the feds to oversee police reform, resigned because she had “meetings of a personal nature” with former mayor Velvet Teddy Bear Kilpatrick. At the very least, these clandestine meetings included “conduct which was totally inconsistent with the terms and conditions of the two consent judgments.” I have no proof of anything, but we can read between the lines, can’t we?

Kwame Kilpatrick is a sexual machine, the likes of which the world has never seen before and will never see again. No woman can restrain herself when in his awe-inspiring and horniness-inducing presence. Simply put, he is God’s gift to women and men who like men. I don’t know how the federal government did not see this one coming. If you’re going to put someone with boobs and a vagina near Kwame Kilpatrick, that person will inevitably have sex with him. This sexual relationship will lead to failure, scandal, hilarity, sadness, and many, many blog posts. I don’t even think it is possible to put someone with boobs and no vagina or vagina and no boobs near Kwame. He will have sex with that person regardless. If you drop money from the rooftops, will people not rush to pick up that money? If you are hungry, will you not eat? If you fart and blame your friend for farting, will your friend not do the same to you the next time he farts? There are certain rules of human nature with which you cannot fight or argue. Kwame Kilpatrick was put on this planet to ruin things, with his preferred method of ruining things being through sex.

Do not flee women of the world, you have no choice when confronted by the greatness of Kwame. Wilt Chamberlain called Kwame when looking for tips, and Kwame was only 5 years old. They have built nude statues of him in Greece dating back thousands of years, predicting the life and times of the greatest sexual being throughout all of humanity. Pornography was invented to eventually celebrate reenactments of his exploits. STD’s evolved and mutated for the sole purpose of slowing down the spread of his seed. There is no brag too great or untrue. Legend does not do the man justice. One individual – the slayer of cities.

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