Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Craziest F#@king Challenge I've Ever Heard

Again for the three of you who frequent my website, I know that you read about this and immediately thought of me. This assumes that you were not already thinking about me, which I admit, is not a good possibility. There's quite a bit to think about when thinking about me, so it could occupy more time than you're comfortable admitting. That's ok.

Long story big, the Grand Rapids Whitecaps, a minor league baseball team, proudly announced the Fifth Third Burger (named after their ballpark) this week. The burger is 4,800 calories, 1 and 2/3 pounds meat, 1 pound of bun dough, and I think an elephant takes a crap on the burger or something like that. Yes it's quite a few calories, and yes this one food item contains about 4 times the amount of my recommended sodium intake in a day, but have you ever felt a greater calling in your life, and just knew that you had to do something? People are called into the priesthood or to give their lives to community development, and I am called to eat this burger. I have to devise a game plan (as an aside, the movie The Game Plan featuring The Rock was called Maxi Papa in Spain for some non-translatable reason), and this is no simple undertaking. Someone who successfully eats the burger in one sitting gets the burger for free (otherwise $20) as well as a free Whitecaps hat and shirt. I'd rather have a shirt with a giant talking burger on it.

I may be over-inflating my eating abilities, but I am not particularly impressed by the size or scope of this burger. I'm pretty sure I've eaten this much weight, easily, in White Castle sliders at a few different times through my adolescent development in one sitting, and while I didn't feel perfect afterward, it was quite a quantity of foodstuffs. Nay, my biggest concern is truthfully the calories. As someone who regularly battles my hunger cravings and fluctuating weight, I know that I can eat no more than 2,500 calories in a day if I want to maintain my weight - even with my regularly running and workouts. On top of that, I'm trying to keep my weight down pre-wedding and bikini season is right around the corner. This burger would be my only allowable meal for almost two whole days, and there's no way I could make it through the second day without eating something. I don't need to eat the whole burger by myself, and this could be a great opportunity to get out and see Michigan and some minor league baseball with friends and/or loved ones and drop $20 on a burger to share.

This is a great marketing ploy by my friends on our west coast, and it may just have a desired affect of drawing me in to see some baseball. If they could combine a simultaneous viewing of Battlestar Galactica with burgers, baseball, and Michigan, I would much more seriously consider permanently setting down roots in Grand Rapids.

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