Tuesday, September 29, 2009

If You Can't Mauer Them, Mauer Them

I started the thought process for this post temporarily believing I had come up with something original and thought-provoking, only to realize 5 seconds later that I'm a complete idiot for thinking I had come up with something original and thought-provoking.

The Tigers just finished up their day/night doubleheader against the Minnesota Twins, and as a fan of the Tigers, I am terrified of playing against the Twins. I don't know what it is about that team and their mid-Western charm, but they strike me as a relentless force of baseball. It's not that they are that incredibly awesome, but they are that incredibly awesome when they play the Tigers. It sometimes seems like there are greater powers aligned against the Tigers when playing the Twins, like the time when Don Kelly lost that fly ball in the roof of the Metrodome and the Tigers went on to lose.

Of all the Twins, I am most terrified of Joe Mauer. Joe Mauer is a good-ole Minnesota boy who is also a catcher for the Twins. He is reserved, humble-seeming, non-controversial, and a beast at the plate. I'm pretty sure he was born to play baseball, or, possibly, read books to children in the library while curing AIDS. Every time he is up to the plate against the Tigers, I get that sinking feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, mostly because he always produces. This is why tonight I'm pretty sure I convinced myself that I'm going to buy a Joe Mauer jersey and become his #1 fan. This is the place where I thought I was brilliant for a moment - "Hey, if I become a fan of this guy, he can't hurt me" and then I realized that sounds an awful lot like "if you can't beat them, join them." If I had a time traveling DeLorean I would go back in time and take out the person who first used this phrase making me an original, and if this wasn't an option, I could travel back in time to warn myself that I was coming up with a stupid idea.

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