Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Heavy Hitters

Congratulations, Michigan! Another annual list has come out and we rank high enough on it to simultaneously feel a sense of victory and defeat. Victory for being in the top 20% but defeat in that the victory is a result of fatties roving our streets. The Top 10 fatties in the United States, that is. Michigan has an adult obesity percentage of 29.4%. Where does that rank compared to last year? Let me check....could you move? I can't see the computer screen to compare last year to this year past YOUR FAT.

This analysis makes perfect sense to me. How can anyone expect anything different from the state that champions the paczki? I think Michigan is well on its way to being a stronghold and safety zone for people who are pretty fat, but not as fat as those fatties "In Mississippi". At number 10, people can know that they are pretty fat, but still find comfort in the fact that there are a whole bunch of fatter (on average) people all across the country. Why go for a jog or a walk when you could just as soon hop in your car, support the local automobile economy, and drive down the streets you were going to run on? - but faster! Everyone is a winner. The other advantage of having so many fat people around is that those of us who are kind of in the middle can continue to feel a sense of moral superiority because even though we would be considered absolutely disgusting in California or Colorado, we live in fat Michigan. I'm no Brad Pitt, but I'm also no Kevin James. It lowers the bar of acceptability so much that even the most average among us have the opportunity to be Casanova.

What are we to do about being a bunch of fatsos? I'll think about it over my dinner of cookie dough and I'll let you know tomorrow.

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